Although Elton liked a good tarmacking...

Last night, my partner, who can’t spell, said that spelling, death and virginity can exist on a grey scale. He used himself, comas and anal sex as examples. Not all at once.

This is a classic disagreement between us: he asserts that where he thinks in complex nuance and subtle equivocation, I operate in black and white. He’s wrong.

Take the Cleveland Steamer. When I phoned him and explained what it was, he put the phone down in disgust. You see, black and white. Whereas I find it quite interesting.

The Cleveland Steamer, aka tarmacking, is from the coprophilia family of sexual activities.* It’s the act of defecating upon your partner’s chest and then (this is optional) smearing it on with your buttocks. Urban Dictionary demonstrates the usage in a wonderful sentence:
Although Elton liked a good tarmacking, he found it difficult to clean his congealed chest hair afterwards.

Yuck, right?

But then you’ve got the revenge Cleveland Steamer. Apparently, when a break-up is imminent, it is common, in some circles, to wait until your soon-to-be-ex is asleep, and then do the deed on their chest. Then you run away.

There’s something quite genius about the break-up Cleveland Steamer. It’s got a certain playground wit and charm about it. “You promised me babies and a ring but you lied! Now I’m going to do a big smelly poo on you!” What better way of saying up-yours to the person who’s wasted the best years of your life? So although I’m not advocating this for sexual kicks, because, frankly, scat doesn’t do it for me, the break-up Cleveland Steamer should never be dismissed outright.

* Readers of a sensitive disposition, look away now.